Monday, December 20, 2010

HSB Book of Records

This can happen if you have undiagnosed diabetes in pregnancy.
The largest baby ever born at my hospital.
weighing 5.7kg.

Everybody was busy snapping photos with him the day he was born..

Can you just imagine how hard it was to get a intravenous access for him?
As expected, he was hypoglycaemic at Day 1 of life.

I just can't imagine him being in my uterus..

Saturday, December 18, 2010

from yahoomail to blogspot

am now making a new entry from my email.
if this works, I could post entries from work! haha. not like I've the time to do it anyway.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hello MacBook


I've been meaning to buy a new laptop for myself, and my dream finally came true when i got a MacBook Air as a gift from my dad! Cool eh?

At the moment, am still learning how to use a Mac. After all, I've been using Microsoft all my life.

Some of the things that I love about my new gadget:
1. How thin and light it is: only 1.07kg.
2. How sleek it looks
3. How beautiful my photos turn out to be when I view it on iPhoto

I have a lot more to learn, and am still used to the usual shortcuts that work on Microsoft but not on a Mac. For example:
1. Control+N to open a new window when browsing on Explorer, but instead, need to press the Command key + N
2. Control + arrow to move to the next word when typing, but on Mac, it will jump straight to the end of the sentence.


Am sure I will get used to all this soon. From what I've heard, once you have started to use a Mac, you will never go back..

Now, I need to install Microsoft Office for Mac on my MacBook..

Monday, October 25, 2010

Sad but grateful

Last Thursday, I was saddened by a news that was relayed to me by a colleague of mine.

There is this nurse who I worked with, a very hardworking one I must say. She was heavily pregnant and her due date is merely in a few weeks time. She had been married for seven years and it was her first pregnancy. She goes for routine antenatal check up at a nearby local clinic, however, that day she decided make an appointment at the staff clinic at our hospital.

She was seen by the O+G specialist that same day, and she then found out that her baby had died in-utero. The baby was only 1.7 kg-an indicator that it had already died for the past few days. Of course she cried buckets and requested to go back to her hometown in Teluk Intan that very instant.

I also often read this blog, written by one of my ex-patients. Her daughter had been well until the age of 4 months, when she developed poor feeding and had recurrent pneumonia. Her limbs then became stiff and she went downhill from there. She was diagnosed with a very rare genetic disease, and later passed away at the age of 8 months.

The blog is dedicated to her late daughter. It is updated almost everyday, and it is about how much she misses her daughter. Any sight, smell, noise, can trigger off a memory of her late daughter. Each entry is well written, perhaps because she writes from the very bottom of her heart.


By hearing and reading about other people’s sadness and misery, it makes us feel grateful with what we have.

Whenever I feel tired of taking care of my son, exhausted from having to pump milk at work and even at home, sacrificing my spare time and weekend, I often think of the unfortunate people around me.

It makes me think back the day that Aniq was born. The time when I saw the CTG tracing that was done that morning. The thought that I could lose him if the delivery was delayed. I could still remember how he kicked inside me, when I was in the ambulance, on the way from Selangor Medical Centre to Hospital Sungai Buloh where I had the Emergency Caesarean Section done. It was a cry of help. Asking us to take him out as soon as possible.

My CTG tracing which demonstrated Unprovoked Deceleration

Alhamdullillah. Even though he stayed in NICU for a total of nine days, and had to be intubated for one day, he turned out to be a thriving and well baby. I feel grateful every single day and there is nothing better that I could have asked for.

Dear Aniq, we love you very much and thank you for being a part of us.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Latest developmental milestones

Aniq's chronological age: 7 months
Corrected age: 6 months in one weeks time

It's just fascinating to watch my son grow.

Latest developments:


His weight, length and head circumference is now at par with babies his age, and I couldn't be happier.
He is now wearing medium sized pampers.

He takes in whatever food that is given to him. He can now take:

Carbo: Rice
Protein: chicken, salmon, ikan bilis
Fruits: bananas, pears, apples

Vege: carrots, pumpkin, cauliflower, brocolli, and the latest addition, peria!

At the moment, he is only allergic to potatoes..he'll develop a rash around his mouth which will disappear after a few days. We tried to feeding him with potatoes again today, and he developed the rash again..

Aniq eating pureed apples..

He also needs a bottle of milk after each meal, hence I need to remain motivated to pump milk at work..

He can now turn from prone to supine and supine to prone.

He's got good head control and able to reach out for toys.

Thanks Ninna for the toy. He absolutely loves it! I bring it whenever we travel.

He still enjoys looking at himself on the mirror.

No stranger anxiety: enjoys interacting with anybody!

Enjoys reading his story book and can even flip pages! (sort of)

Can also Skype! (right, Ku Yea?)

Always curious with his surroundings

Only sleeps 15 min to half an hour each time during the day

Sleeps at 10pm every night, and still wakes up at least twice every night

Lastly, needs to have his nose pressed against a pillow whenever he sleeps..

Sunday, September 26, 2010


The decision to start my baby on weaning diet was one of the most difficult task that I had to do. It may sound simple to some, but I just dreaded the thought of him having anything else but my own milk.

Yes, I am aware of the WHO recommendation of starting a baby on solids at the age of 6 months. But actually, the accepted age for weaning is from 4 months onwards, and it is acceptable in the developed countries.

It started off like this. It was during the fasting month when my baby's demand was more than my supply. I had to rush back from work almost everyday to feed him, coz the amount of milk that I expressed the day before was just nice to last the hours that I had to leave him at home. The worst day was when I was still busy at work and my mum called saying that there was no milk left at all! Luckily he slept for a few hours after that, in time for me to go home quickly to feed him. That was when I decided I had no option but to start him on solids.

I was indeed worried initially. Him being an ex premature baby, I initially thought of following his corrected age before starting him on solids, which by right, should be at the end of October. I was worried that his bowels won't be mature enough to accept solids. Plus, his developmental milestones was according to a 4 month old baby.

I did some research online and indeed my baby was already showing signs to start weaning.

Taken from

Signs that your baby is ready for weaning:
  • Holding his or her head up and controlling head movements.

  • Sitting well when supported.
  • Making chewing motions

  • Doubling his or her birth weight.

  • Being unsatisfied after a full milk feed
  • Demanding increasing and more frequent milk feeds

  • Attempting to put things in his or her mouth
  • After a period of sleeping through the night waking in the night with hunger

  • Displaying curiosity about what you are eating.

After that, I was at ease. I even asked some experts-the consultant paediatricians at work and they all agreed that it was time for baby to start on weaning diet.

It was on the 30th of August that my baby had his first taste of food. It was rather sponteneous actually. My husband and I were at the dining table having our dinner, and our baby was on my husband's lap looking hungry and trying to grab my husband's food from the plate.

I then wore him his bib, mashed a small piece of banana and fed him. He absolutely loved it! There was hardly any spill on his bib and his just took all the food in! I d to snap a picture of him with all the mess around his mouth, but he was such a good eater and I just didn't have that chance.'Mmmm..what is this funny taste...'
(Thank you, collegues for the bib!)

All Gone!
(Thank you, Aida for the feeding set!)

After that, we began to experimenting him with different types food and his demand for milk is slightly less now. He now sleeps longer than usual too, and I don't really have to rush home from work anymore.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Happy Birthday, Japa!

You've been a wonderful brother and uncle!

Best wishes from the three of us.

Goodbye Ramadhan, Hello Aidilfitri

Yay! Am now at home on a weekday!

You see, I haven't taken any leave since my confinement period, and I have been looking forward to spend my Raya leave with my loved ones..From what I heard, many people are taking leave till Malaysia Day. Well, even though I am getting 5 days off, I will not put it to waste!

This year will be our first Raya with Aniq, and we'll be spending our day in Shah Alam. Kampung Shah Alam.

I didn't make much preparation this year. Will be wearing my old kebaya, which was purchased many years ago, but somehow never worn before. Azim will be wearing his baju Melayu that I bought for him for Farah's wedding, and Aniq will be the only one wearing something new. A baju melayu sewn by my mum. Our theme this year will be, Pink!

Happy Hari Raya everybody, and Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Thursday, September 02, 2010


I went on my weighing scale today, and I'm officially.....



48 kg!

Only one more kilo left to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Am so happy coz I am now able to wear back my old clothers..

Fiuh..such a relief. For the past few months, I've been worried sick that I won't go back to my pre pregnancy figure. Guess, breastfeeding works after all!

Now, shopping for clothes won't be as depressing as before...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Pink notebook

My husband and I were walking around in Subang Parade recently after having dinner at Sakae Sushi when I spotted this notebook from the 2nd floor. Sony was having a booth just opposite Big Apple Doughnuts and this cute lil notebook caught my attention. I just had to see it up close!

You see, I've been thinking of getting a notebook for the past one month, and so far this has been the most attractive one. I initially thought of getting the ASUS notebook, just because it's got my nickname on its cover, ie. Eee.

Anyways, now I just can't stop thinking about this notebook.

The price is RM 1899-inclusive of one year warranty and trial version of Microsoft Office.

Should I get it?


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Day with Aniq

Today is one of the rare times that I get to spend my weekend at home. After all, I am scheduled to have 7 calls this month, including 3 weekends! huhuh..

Aniq woke me up at about 8.30 am and we did his all-time favourite activity together-bathing!
You see, the only time that I get to bathe and choose what to wear for him, is only during weekends. On most days, my maid will bathe him right after I go to work and before I reach home from work. Hence, everyday I only see him in his sleepsuit...

After removing his clothes, he's as happy as ever, as he knows that he's heading to his bath tub!

Since husband is also around today, the 3 of us will be going out for dinner tonight-to D'Tandoor, Subang Jaya, one of our favourite restaurants...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Developmental milestones

Aniq is now 4 and a half months old, and his corrected age would be 3 months old. How fast time flies..

I enjoy watching him grow and develop new skills day by day..

Gross motor:
He can turn to his side on his own, his left side to be exact. When he is in his cot, he will stare attentively at the toys beside him and try his best to turn towards it. He still can't hold his head up, though.

Fine motor:

He now enjoys fiddling with his fingers and keep both his hands to his chest. He also explores his fingers by putting them to his mouth.

He prefers to interact with guys: like his dad and uncles. He gets excited when he sees someone he is familiar with by moving about his hands and legs. I still feel that he can't recognize me and he's always so calm whenever I am about to go to work.

Cooing: his favourite syllable is 'Oooh'. He can even call our maid--'Aaann'

He is able to turn towards a voice and startle at loud noises. But when he is asleep, no matter how noisy his surrounding is, we don't have to worry that it'll wake him up.

He can stare at various objects around the room. His favourite would be the ceiling fan and his mobile. Whenever I want to do something like taking a shower or pray, and I have to leave him for a while, all that I need to do is to turn on the mobile and he can just be so excited looking and giggling at the mobile -sometimes for up to half an hour! He also likes to watch the television.

- He now poops every 2-3 days
- He's using medium sized diapers--When he was born, he couldn't even fit into the smallest sized diaper that we could find in the market!
- He still wakes up in the middle of the night for feeds
- He drinks 4-5oz of milk every 3 hours.
- He enjoys being his baby carrier.
-He can no longer fit into his newborn clothes
-His favourite activity is bathing-with warm or even cold water

Need to treasure and cherish all these moments..

Thursday, July 01, 2010


I had just started on work on 15th June 2010, and one thing that I can tell you is that I feel exhausted every single day..everyday, my aim is to pump as much milk as possible when I am at work, and for the time being, my milk supply has been successfully maintained. I do hope I am able to exclusively breastfeed my baby till he is at least 6 months old (corrected age)-which will be in October 2010.

I was on call yesterday, and this is a summary of my breastpumping schedule:

8 am-4pm: was busy in NICU and had to transfer a case to IJN. Hence, had no time to pump milk during this time.
4pm: Expressed 12 oz of milk
7pm: Night rounds and busy with new admissions
9pm: Expressed 5 oz of milk
12 midnight: had to attend to an emergency case in the ward.
3am: Expressed 6 oz of milk
7am: Expressed 6 oz of milk (was late for the radiology conference because of this)
3pm: Expressed 6 oz of milk

Total: 35 oz milk

Even though I did not have the chance to pump so frequently last night, I was lucky as the amount of milk that I have expressed was slightly more that what my baby had taken when I was at work, i.e. 32oz.

I do want the best for my baby, and I really hope that my milk supply will be maintained for at least till the end of the year...

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Sing-along with a baby

Everytime after Aniq finishes his feeds, he used to fall asleep immediately. In fact, he even fell asleep in the middle of a feed! As he has grown bigger now, he takes about half an hour to complete his feeds, and it takes some time before he falls asleep-and it is fun to play with him during this time-that is, when he's not irritable.

I sometimes sing to him, whatever tune that comes to my mind. One day, he decided to play a part in the song.

Me: (Singing the Barney song)

I love you ..
You love me..
We are happy family...
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you

Aniq: *Fart*

Me: Won't you say you love me too...

Such a cute way to 'sing' with his mummy....

Jalan-Jalan @ Laman Seri

I'm going to start work in a 12 days time, and I am now spending as much time as possible with my baby. During my pregnancy, I often see my neighbours bringing their baby for a stroll in our neighbourhood and I've always wanted to do so for my baby one day.

A few days ago, it was a perfect time for us to do so. Aniq just had his feeds and he was all set to go out for some fresh air. It also had just rained, so it was breezy and not sunny at the same time. It was also a good excuse for me to go for a walk and lose that extra pounds!

Looking forward to bring him to a playground when he's old enough.

It was nice seeing my baby so relaxed in his stroller. He clearly enjoyed the ride!

Fast asleep after the outing!

Am going to miss this when I start work..

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Baby fat

I am currently obsessed with my weight.

Pre-pregnancy weight: 47kg
Maximum weight at pregnancy: 61.5 kg
(at 32 weeks of gestation)
Weight at one month after delivery: 53kg
Current weight: 55 kg

My body weight has never been a problem for me. People have always said how thin I looked and some even said that I looked haggard. I blamed it on my work, as I sometimes had to skip meals due to my hectic working schedule. Due to that, I never went on a diet or take tried to cut down on my food intake. I could eat fast foods how often I wanted without worrying about the calories. People often force me to eat to fatten me up.

After my delivery, yes, I have to admit that I haven't been watching my diet. After all, I am exclusively breastfeeding my baby and it will make my appetite more voracious, right? As my baby was born premature, I had to eat well, to ensure that my baby adequately gains weight and try to catch up with babies his age.

I never really cared much about my weight until recently when more and more people started to pass comments on how big and fat I looked. The last straw was when my husband looked at my tummy and said--Aduh! Macam KLCC!

I dread each time when my in -aws come over to the house. One of my sister in-law is bound to say--Badan nampak dah naik la skrg! Berape kilo ni?

Yesterday, I went to a shop to make copies of my wedding DVDs. The guy opened the file and saw a short clip of the video and stared at me.

'Yang dalam video ni akak ke? Asal nampak lain?'

Haih..yes, I know I'm not as thin as I used to..

He then looked at the date on the cover of the DVD-13th March 2009 and said,

'Eh, tak le lama sangat' I gained a lot of weight in one year. Big deal?

Yes, I am aware that breastfeeding will help to shed that extra baby weight compared to feeding my baby with formula milk. Apparently, an extra 500 calories will be used up per day, which equals to 2 hours of aerobic session. Somehow, I don't think I've gotten any thinner this past few months..

And so what have I been doing about it?

I bought this DVD a few weeks ago, PLANNING do some exercise at two or not three times a week. So far I've only used this DVD twice. Not good enough right? I chose this DVD because I wanted to do some toning exercises, to work on my upper and lower body. Plus, I didn't want to do something fast paced, as I wanted to give time for my caeserean scar to heal fully. Even though I read on the internet that it is safe to exercise 6 weeks post delivery, I still.didn't dare push myself so hard, and will stop intermittently when I felt my surgical scar area ache.

I can't even fit into my old clothes and pants. Now, I still wear my maternity pants to go out. It's so depressing...

I've never been this concern about my weight and it does affect how I look at myself. I really hope that my weight will go down drastically when I start work in a few weeks time..


Apart from spending precious time with my baby, I did have time to practice my culinary skills these past few weeks. Since I got married, I have been staying at my in-law's place, and I never dared to cook there, fearing that they will judge the way I cook or how the meal will taste like. (Not I had so much time to spare anyway!) Since I am now staying at my mum's place, I feel more confident to try out new recipes and to give a chance for my husband to taste my cooking.

Recently, I decided to make something simple. Almond-flavoured Dadih.

When my husband came back from work that day, I asked him whether he noticed there was some dadih in the fridge. He seemed surprised.

Husband: ' I nampak dalam fridge tapi tak berani nak makan.'

Me: ' La, kenapa tak makan. I buat untuk u la.'

Husband: 'I takut susu.'

Me: 'Susu? Memang la dadih ada susu cair kat dalam.'

Husband: 'Takut susu dada la!'

Haha..Yeah, he did have a point.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

From breastfeeding to bottle feeding

My baby has now passed his due date, which was on 30th april 2010. So he is now at corrected age of 6 days of life, chronological age of one and a half months. Prior to his due date, some even referred his age as 'negative .. days.' Kesian my baby. Jadi negative pulak his age. :)

Since I am now at home full time, I am still exclusively breastfeeding my baby. Ever since I have established breastfeeding, I keep on thinking that one day I don't have a choice but to introduce him to the bottle. I dread for that day to come. I somewhat feel detached, just by the thought of him having to drink from a bottle. Yes, I know that he will still be drinking my milk, but the thought of someone else feeding him...I just don't want to feel distant from my baby. I do know how important it for him to drink from a bottle. After all, when I start work, I do need other people's help to feed him.

It was on the 1st of May that he had first taste of the bottle.

I was out with my husband to Vichuda, Section 7, for a family dinner with my in laws and we decided to leave my baby with my mum. I fed my baby and he fell asleep before we left, and I was hoping that he would remain asleep until we came back. After one hour, Mum SMSed me and said that the baby was crying for milk and she had fed him with a bottle. I really didn't expect that coming.. I could not help myself to not feel sad. I told my mother in law what happened and she said that I should be glad that he is one of the few babies who could easily accept a bottle upon introducing it for the first time.

Upon reaching home, Mum was still feeding him with the bottle and he was slowly gulping down the milk. I watched him for a few minutes, and that was the only time that I needed to accept that fact that I just have learn to let him go..I do have to admit that the anticipation of him to take a bottle was far worse that the actual thing.

Ever since, he has been taking my milk from a bottle once a day. Based on books, for a working mum, a baby has to be introduced to a bottle for at least one week before starting work. However, I've heard many stories from mums saying that her baby refused to take the bottle and only wanted to take direct breastfeeding. I read from a parenting book that the earlier we introduce a baby to a bottle, the easier for him to accept. Hence, I have decided to continue using the bottle until I start work next month..The good thing about it is that I will have more time for myself to do the things that I have missed doing.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

The 'little' addition to our family

There are just too many experiences that I would love to share with all of you out there, but in a few simple words, giving birth to your first born is so rewarding..

My little one is now 25 days old and he is getting stronger by the day. I can also proudly say that I have successfully established breastfeeding after weeks of struggle..I never realised that breastfeeding could be ever so challenging-especially so in my case as my baby was born at only 33 weeks..

My current goal is to make him gain weight-which is by feeding him as frequently as possible. His latest weight is 1.82kg and he still has a long way to go.

I also realise that support by family and friends is extremely important to keep me going at this critical time..

Thank you everybody.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


What is the best feeling in the world?

The Fetal Movement..

I had my quickening rather late: between 21-22 weeks of my pregnancy. Perhaps I had it much earlier, but I wasn't sure whether it was my stomach growling from hunger or my abdominal aorta pulsating.

And then, it was one of the nights when I was having such a bad call, one of the days in december, that I was really sure it was the baby kicking inside me. It was as though he was trying to comfort me, indicating that I was not alone that night. It was really comforting indeed.

Starting from 28 weeks of pregnancy, one is supposed to use the Fetal Movement Chart. Frankly speaking, I am unaware whether my baby is moving or not when I am walking about at work, except when I am sitting down in a meeting or presentation. As I feel my baby is more active at night, he definitely completes 10 kicks a day before I sleep every night. Whenever I lie down to rest after work, within one hour he would have completed his quota for the day! Such an active baby..

I have just completed my powerpoint presentation for tomorrow and the baby has been with me throughout these past few hours, kicking away inside me.

Thank you for keeping me company, my dear baby..

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Pregnancy Dilemma

Am now approaching the 30th week of my pregnancy and the number of decisions that I've to make which are increasing by the day.

Here's to name a few:

1. The most vital question: where to deliver?

--Something which I should have thought about in the early weeks of my pregnancy, but because of my special circumstances, i.e me having rhesus negative blood and the need of having a good paeds back-up for my baby (being a paeds MO myself).
--I actually have gone to SMC for booking, but am thinking of changing my mind..I do feel familiar with the place, as I was admitted to the hospital before in 2007, but probably the facilities are just not good enough..

2. Which breastpump to get?

--I'm looking forward to breastfeed my baby fully for at least one year, and the need of a constant milk supply is vital. I've attended breastfeeding talks and handled breastfeeding courses in the past, and this is the time for me to try it for myself. There are just so many types out there and I just don't want to end up buying the wrong one. After all, it's not that cheap.

3. How long to take my breastfeeding leave

On top of my 2 months maternity leave, I have the option of taking upto one year of breastfeeding leave. But of course, it depends on one's head of department. My plan is to take at least a month, but should I take longer? The thing is that it's going to be an unpaid leave, but I feel it's going to be worth the sacrifice..

4. Which vitamin supplement to take?

I have to admit that I have not been so compliant in taking my vitamins. I was taking folic acid even before conception and continued taking it for the first few months and stopped taking after I started having my morning sickness..subsequently I've been taking pramilet only..After discovering that my Hb level is always between 10 to 10.9, as of last month, I've been taking my vitamins every single day without fail, even when I am on call. I now take Hemogen everyday. On top of that, I've purchased Neurogain, which is said to be good for the baby's brain and eyes..2 tablets of calcium per day is also a must for me now.

5. Essential baby stuff to purchase. It's just so difficult to decide!

--a baby cot
--a baby carrier/carseat/stroller
--bottle warmer and steriliser

6. Tukang urut/tungku

A friend has recommended me this lady who is said to be really good. She sounded experienced over the phone and was telling me all sorts of successful stories that she has had with her previous clients, in making them go back to their original weight. I don't have to worry about her transport and lodging as she will travel on her own from her place in kampung subang. 16 massage sessions, with the herbal drinks that she will make from her own backyard will cost me RM 2800! Am I willing to spend that much? I still can't decide on this..

7. Who will take care of my baby when I start work.

The most convenient thing to do is to leave the baby at home with my mother in law and the maid. What worries me is that I will trouble my 66 year old MIL and my maid is also not familiar at all in handling a newborn baby..

8. Long term plans: to get our own place

I've always wanted to live in a house of our own. I realize that it will involve more work on my part, but it's nice to have a nice cozy place, where it's just going to be us and and our baby..We are looking a brand new house to stay in the future, but have not fully committed to anything yet..


All the best to me on my last few weeks of my pregnancy....

Monday, January 18, 2010


I finally did my 3D scan yesterday.

The appointment was right after a small gathering with my dear friends at Secret Recipe.

I had the scan done at Klinik Umra, the nearest gynae clinic from my house. The appointment was supposed to be at 5pm, but I had to wait for about an hour for my turn.

The thing that I looked forward to the most was actually the detailed scan. I wanted to ensure that my baby had a structurally normal brain, heart, kidneys, etc. Seeing my baby's face on the 3D scan was just a bonus to me.

My baby was shy yesterday. Or he just thinks that it's not the right time to show his face to the world just yet. He was lying prone and it was impossible to get a good view of his face. The technician asked me to turn sideways, hoping the the baby will change his position, but he didn't.

Apparently the best time to do a 3D scan is between 28-32 weeks, unlike doing a 2D scan when it is best done between 18-22 weeks. According to the technician, the baby will be fleshier and the body figure will appear better during that period.

Looks like I've to repeat the scan in one month's time..

A CD was given at the end of the session, and here are some of the photos..

Baby's legs

This is probably the best angle of the baby's face. Could hardly make it out.

The last photo taken. Seems like the baby's angry for disturbing him too much!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Almost there..

I can't believe that I'm already the end of my second trimester. It was indeed the downhill of a rollercoster ride, although I still did experience some morning sickness on and off. The last time I puked was just after my sister in law's wedding which was on the 5th of December. Luckily I kept extra plastic bags in my I had learnt from my past experiences..

My bump has started to show and I can't fit into my old pants anymore! I can still fit some of my old blouses, the loose ones. I'm currently surviving by wearing my mum's and sister's clothes. Their clothes are a few sizes bigger than mine, and plus they are not so pregnancy looking. Just nice!

Last week, I finally decided that I can't salvage my old pants anymore and I went hunting for maternity pants with my mum and sis. Our first stop was at Parkson, Subang Parade, and later we realise that there was no pregnancy section there! We then drove all the way to Jusco, Bukit Raja as my aunt has suggested to me before that I should check the maternity section there. It was heaven! They had such a huge variety of maternity pants and I had difficulty choosing them! The pants costs between RM39 to 69 , which I found it reasonable. I bought five of them, including a pair of jeans and I hope that they'll last till the end of my pregnancy!

With adjustable waistband for long lasting use!

I also bought my very first item for my baby...

So I guess now you know the gender of my baby!

I have gained 7 kg so far compared to my pre pregnancy weight, and people still say that I looked same. When I compare my pictures now with the ones taken 6 months back, I'm pretty sure that I look fatter!

(I'm not going to show my fat looking photos here!)

I haven't done this small thing, which is a 4D scan. My husband insists that we should go for it as this is our first baby and we should experience everything possible. I'm still thinking about it..

With the 3rd trimester approaching, I'm sure it will be a whole different experience for me..Hopefully in a good way.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

A battle with myself

I am in fear.

I usually don't worry much before I go on call. Being on-call is part of my job and I have gotten used to it and roughly know how to manage my time.

However, due to my fatigue I am unable to perform as I had intended to and I feel that I am susceptible to cause more harm than good. I can't think straight in the middle of the night and that it, if I am able to stay awake.

I can't fully depend on my house officers and it is still my sole responsibility to keep my patients well under my watch. I feel awful when I visit my patients the next morning, discovering that they have been haemodynamically unstable throughout the night. I blame myself for it.

I pray hard that I have the strength to be on my toes at all times when I'm on call tomorrow and on subsequent days. Please let me be a safe doctor.

The Vanishing Twin

Dear Mum,

It has been weeks since I left and I was wondering how you are doing. Even though I only stayed for a while, I was so fond of you and my sibling, who shared the same sac as me.

I could sense that you and Dad were both excited when you found out about me right after you came back from Kota Bharu for Raya. I knew that you could not believe my existence when Grandma discovered me when she did the ultrasound scan. When you went to Klinik Umra to confirm the finding, Dr Rafie demonstrated my heart beating when he repeated the ultrasound scan and you must have been so suprised to see two separate heartbeats from two different fetus at the same time.

I was already unwell when you first saw me. That was why my hear was beating slower than my beloved sibling and I was smaller in size. I had the strong will to survive, but nevertheless, I did not manage to pull through.

I envied my other sibling who was just right beside me and yet was growing so strong and healthy. Meanwhile, I was getting smaller and weaker by the day. Later I realise that by sacrificing myself, I was doing a favour for the both of you.

If I had surviuved, I would have been in the same amniotic sac as my sibling and there is chance that one of us would benefit more than the other. One of us would suffer from complications in utero as well as in the outside world. Even you would have a high chance of antenatal and postnatal complications. After putting much thought, I knew it was the right thing to do.

I heard your prayers, wishing hard that I would make it. I hope you understand that it was just not meant to be and Allah knows what is best for all of us.

Lastly, I hope you will survive well throughout your pregnancy and I wish you all the best. Even though I am no longer there to be with you, your love and presence wil always be missed. Do tell my beloved sibling that I him too.

The Vanishing Twin