Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Have you ever..

Have you ever felt that you are at the lowest point in life, wishing that it'll all just go away?

Have you ever wished that you could turn back time and hand pick a very eventful and happy memory and just dwell in that time..?

Have you ever been ridiculed by someone, until it breaks your spirit, and finding it so difficult to pull yourself up again?

Have you ever thought how life would have been if you had made a different decision earlier on?

Have you ever felt that one of your strongest characteristics is no longer there and is not helping you to push your self esteem anymore?

Have you ever been in a situation where you just want to stay in bed the whole day and not face anybody?

Have you ever felt so sick, not physically, but mentally until it's giving somatic symptoms?

Have you ever hated yourself for having all these negative thoughts, and hoping that someone will guide you to think in a different perspective?

Someone told me recently, 'You can never run away from your problems.-no matter where you are, where you work and who you work with. You just have to learn to face and deal with it.'

Sometimes it is easier said than done.

Monday, November 26, 2007

guy = girl

I just came back from my friend's birthday party at Holiday Villa-an event for her family and close friends.

My friend's family, being very open minded invited this group of transvestites to perform for her party. They were great dancers, much better than some girls that I've seen..My mind was wandering while watching them dance..

I felt sorry for them actually. They might be having some disorder like Klinifelter's Syndrome or just plain unlucky that they have gender confusion. Even though they were good entertainers, I felt that I should not cheer for them coz it's as though I was giving them encouragement. What they are doing is not morally right and by supporting them, were actually encouraging them to continue behaving that way.

They even perform lap dances to a few men who were unlucky, or lucky, I'm not quite sure..The fat and bald ones were picked and they had a taste of the transverstite's body on their face. I wonder what these guys were feeling at that point. They looked like they were having fun to me.

The worst was when they called up one of the guys on stage. Initially the guy was just dancing with them, and later one of the dancers grabbed his crotch! It was gross as it didn't happen once but 3 times with the same guy! I just didn't like what I saw.

I tried my best, but just can't enjoy watching performances by transvestites, especially if it directly involves the audience. They should just get other decent jobs instead.

Sunday, November 25, 2007


I finally got a transfer to a district hospital. Banting Hospital...here I come..

It came as a shock to me initially. Was speechless and did not know how to react. I told the news to whoever that I bumped into at the hospital, hoping that they would knock some senses into me. After all, I was really unsure of what to do.
I decided to submit an appeal letter to the famous Datin Ang, the Pengarah of JKNS, who is known to be fierce, strict, and ignores appeal letters. I do not know anybody in the Health Ministry, so the appeal letter is my only hope.

At this point I'm actually unsure whether I really want to stay at HTAR. Not like I'm really happy there anyway. And Banting is not as bad as other district hospitals, like Tg Karang or Sabak Bernam...

I took a trip down to Banting today, hoping that I'll have a rough idea on how it's gonna be like working there. It's a nice small town, with plenty of fast food joints. They even have a McD drive- through there. Took me about 30 minutes from my current place of work, and the road was not that bad. But still, I can't imagine driving to the place everyday...it's gonna be quite tiring..

This coming week will be full of uncertainty for me..I have no faintest idea whether my appeal letter will be accepted. Will just have to wait and see.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


I watched a movie on HBO recently, The America's Sweetheart. It's a nice, feel-good movie, with a simple storyline, and I actually learnt a valuable lesson from it.

A brief summary of the story; The main star of the movie, John Cusack, is this famous actor, who was separated from his wife, as his wife had an affair with this Spanish guy. He then went to this rehab centre, as he had, what i assume, was a depresssive disorder. Whenever he faced a stressor, he would mumble to himself,'I'm grateful for the sun, the moon, the stars, ......'

It made me realise that I should not grumble about the problems in life, but instead be grateful with what I have been blessed with.

I'm grateful that I'm in a good health, and I'm able to travel to work daily. Other people who are disabled can't even take care of themselves and are dependent on other people.

I'm grateful that I have my own transportation, compared to others who need to travel by bus or bike to work.

I'm grateful that I'm living in comfort, without having to pay any liabilities or debts. As I'm currently staying at my parent's house, I don't need to worry about paying my bills.

I'm grateful that I have friends who are always supportive of me. Always there when I need them.

I'm grateful that I my place of work is just a mere 15-20 minutes away from my house, without having to face any traffic jam.

The list could go on and on...

By thinking and reflecting about the good things in life, it makes me feel grateful and not complain about the problems that face daily. I just have to remind myself that I'm not that unlucky after all.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Vasovagal syncope

I only spent 2 hours at work today.

This morning, I went to work determined as i was not on-call or post-call. Plus, I had a good break yesterday as it was Deepavali Day and spent it by watching a movie with my sister.

The drama started when a baby in the NICU was desaturating despite positive pressure ventilation. Turns out the endotracheal tube was not in place and my specialist had to re-intubate the baby again. I was there assisting her, giving the cricoid pressure, and my specialist was having difficulty localising the vocal cords. It was clearly a difficult intubation.

Another friend of mine came to the scene, and she asked what was going on. I briefly explained to her.

After a few attempts, she instructed my collegue to assist her instead while ignoring me completely. The stress came to me, and my mind was boggling. Am I a poor assistant? Am I bringing her bad luck? I was being paranoid.

With my collegue being her assistant, she managed to intubate the baby successfully and the baby's saturation picked up. While the nurses was helping her to anchor the tube, the specialist told me - 'You should not speak when someone is intubating.'

It felt like a slap on the face. I know it was a simple comment but it hit me really hard. That was when i started having the symptoms; my head was spinning and I was feeling light. I tried to distract myself by reading the patient's file together with my collegue.

As I was doing that, I suddenly felt nauseous and the giddiness became worse. I quickly ran to the bathroom, thinking that I would vomit. I started having cold sweats; grabbed the sink, trying not to faint. I was really scared.

I immediately sat down on the nearby sofa, hyperventilating, trying to figure out what was happening to me. Thought I had a hypoglycaemic attack, but when the nurse checked by capillary sugar level it was 4.6mmol/L.

My specialist came to see me, and when she saw I was sweating away and looking pale, she instructed me to go home and have a rest. Plus, I'm gonna be on-call tomorrow.

I didn't think I was fit to drive, so I called up my brother and he came to pick me up from the hospital.

At this moment, I'm still figuring out what actually happened to me today. My guess is that I had a vasovagal attack, triggered by stress.

It worries me as my paranoia is becoming worse day by day. I can't even take a simple criticism and I always feel that people are against me. I need to learn to be more thick-skinned and take people's remark in a positive manner to improve myself.

Will I ever learn?

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Rain, rain, go away, come again another day

It was raining heavily today.

I was cleaning up my room when my dad called me from the living room, 'Look! The road in front of house looks like a stream! The water is running so fast!'

I stared blankly outside the window when my mind drifted to about 15 years back. Those days, I was constantly with my younger brother. Just the two of us, we were like best friends; seldom apart.

There was one day when it was raining cats and dogs like this, and we were both tempted to go out to play in the rain. Mum grabbed our raincoats, a blue and a red one if I'm not mistaken and we rushed out in the rain. We also had our red Wellington boots on. What I still remember was that we made boats from paper, ie. the origami, and let it float in the water. I even wrote a message on the boat, hoping that somebody would take the boat as it floats in the water, and read the message written on it. Haha, wishful thinking.

It was just a simple event in life, but at times like this, it makes me realise how much I miss my childhood days when it was all about playing and having fun. Will I ever have that feeling again

Thursday, November 01, 2007

My mind and I

Do you believe in self-diagnosing your problem?
Well, the last time I did that, my so called dysmenorrhea turned out to be an acute appendicitis. So much about knowing your own body.
And again, i'm self diagnosing myself. This time it's something to do with my mind.
Yes, mental illness is a very significant disease. It is debilitating disease, the worse part being that people choose to ignore it and refuse to take any form of intervention for it.
I won't say I have Major Depression, but Dysthymia would be a better diagnosis.
Let's check the features of the illness, shall we?
1. More common in women
Yes, i'm an XX
2. More often in persons with history of long-term stress or sudden losses
At the moment, my stressor is...WORK
3. Often coexists with other psychiatrics disorders (substance abuse, OCD)
This is a no no
4. Symptoms worse later in the day
Actually I feel worse in the morning. Almost everyday for the past 2 weeks
5. Between 20 and 35 years of age
This is me.
What about the symptoms?
1. Poor appetite. Yes
2. Sleep problem. Yes
3. Fatigue. Yes
4. Low self esteem. Yes
5. Poor concentration or difficulty inmaking decisions. Yes
6. Feeling of hopelessness. Yes
What am I doing about it? Just what I do best...sleep and try to forget about it. At the same time, hoping that it'll go away and start a fresh new beginning the next day.
This is so sad.